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Seduction Cinema presents
Play-Mate of the Apes (2002)

"How did these monkeys get like this? Stop it! Stop it! Oh. Actually, that feels pretty good."
- Gaylord (Misty Mundae)

Review By: Mark Zimmer   
Published: February 26, 2002

Stars: Misty Mundae, Darian Caine, Debbie Rochon, Anoushka
Other Stars: Shelby Taylor, Sharon Engert, John Bacchus, John Link
Director: John Bacchus

MPAA Rating: Not Rated for (nudity, sexual situations, language, white girls without rhythm doing bad rapping)
Run Time: 01h:28m:43s
Release Date: February 26, 2002
UPC: 612385102295
Genre: late night


Style
Grade
Substance
Grade
Image Transfer
Grade
Audio Transfer
Grade
Extras
Grade
D DBB+ D+

DVD Review

If anyone was concerned about whether there would be new sexploitation with bargain basement production values now that Times Square has been cleaned up, worry no more. The schlock purveyors at Seduction Cinema are busily churning out lesbian softcore epics of dubious entertainment value direct to DVD. Just be prepared for plenty of silicone enhancement.This softcore satire of Fox's big budget scifi epic starts off appropriately with a cheesy CG spaceship. We cut inside to several women, Lts. Pushkintucushkin (Anoushka) and Fornication (Sharon Engert) in suspended animation. They revive and immediately launch into one of many interminable lesbian scenes. The craft crashes on a mysterious planet shortly thereafter, and the crew, led by Commander Gaylord (Misty Mundae), must try to survive on a planet ruled by apes. Or more specifically, ruled by people wearing shoddy ape masks. Survival involves copious lesbian sex scenes, endless dance sequences and crappy, rhythm-free rapping. Other than star Misty Mundae, the female cast is all surgically enhanced to a fault. Maybe someone likes this, but I don't particularly find grossly malformed, rock-hard and rigid breasts to be erotic in the slightest. The sex is simulated (badly) and not very stimulating. The acting is wooden at best, though Mundae manages a bit of lively overacting that brings her role up to grade B sitcom level. The rest of the cast is just awful, though the stilted script does them no favors whatsoever. Those delivering their lines through dimestore ape masks are, if anything, even worse. The one saving grace is that obviously no one involved is taking anything here very seriously. The intentional humor all falls flat; Tim Burton's film already is almost a satire of itself so there's not a lot of room for comment here, and it's not as if this bunch is talented enough to do so anyway. It's kind of like watching someone's crummy home movie satire, leavened with porn music and sex scenes, and combined with bad dance videos. The result is hardly entertaining in any way, shape or form.But the very worst (even more so than the awful dancing that goes on forever) is the rhythmless rap that is not only aggressively awful but actually painful to sit through. A close second is the Ape Man Disco Song, sung by the Missing Link (John Link), which is just indescribably awful. But then what does one expect from an ape messiah that descends from a disco ball? Resist the temptation unless you enjoy looking at train wrecks.

Rating for Style: D
Rating for Substance: D

 

Image Transfer

 One
Aspect Ratio1.33:1 - Full Frame
Original Aspect Ratioyes
Anamorphicno


Image Transfer Review: The full frame picture looks pretty good. There is occasional minor video artifacting, but overall the picture is decent, with attractive and bright colors. Black levels are quite satisfactory for something like this.

Image Transfer Grade: B

 

Audio Transfer

 LanguageRemote Access
DS 2.0Englishno


Audio Transfer Review: The Dolby Surround audio isn't bad either. Several segments incorporate seriously low bass, which is rather surprising for such a low-budget affair. The sound is clear and crisp throughout, with little audible hiss or noise.

Audio Transfer Grade: B+

 

Disc Extras

Static menu with music
2 Original Trailer(s)
13 Other Trailer(s) featuring Mummy Raider, The Sexy 6th Sense, Gladiator Eroticvs, Erotic Survivor 2, Vampire Obsession, The Erotic Mirror, Master's Play Thing, 2069: A Sex Odyssey, The Naughty Stewardesses, Inga (2 trailers), The Seduction of Inga, I Like the Girls Who Do, The Possession of Nurse Sherri
3 Featurette(s)
Weblink/DVD-ROM Material
Packaging: Scanavo variant
Picture Disc
1 Disc
1-Sided disc(s)
Layers: RSDL
Layers Switch: 01h:00m:30s

Extra Extras:
  1. Music video
Extras Review: Interviews with the women of the cast and some behind-the-scenes footage make up the three featurettes. These also feature plentiful nudity, should you want to see more of these women. No useful or even mildly interesting information is dispensed in the interviews. A music video of We're the Humans, set to the tune of We're the Monkees (I'd hazard a guess that no one licensed the rights for the music here), and a raft of trailers for Seduction Cinema DVDs make up the extras. Nothing really worth getting excited about here at all. Oddly enough, there's no scene access menu, though there are 23 chapter stops. The low quality of the extras keeps the grade low even though the quantity is high.

Extras Grade: D+

 

Final Comments

Aggressively bad on all levels, this one is reserved for those who want badly simulated lesbian sex featuring women with obvious implant jobs (and visible surgery scars). An okay transfer and the usual assortment of meaningless extras that one finds on Seduction discs round out the package.

 


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