Retromedia presents

Teenage Cavegirl (2004)

"She looks positively prehistoric!"- Richard (Alexandre Boisvert)

Stars: Jezebelle Bond
Other Stars: Evan Stone, Nicole Sheridan, Alexandre Boisvert, Kennedy Johnston, Lesle Zen, Jay Richardson
Director: Nicholas Medina

MPAA Rating: Not Rated for (nudity, sexuality)
Run Time: 01h:14m:32s
Release Date: 2004-11-16
Genre: late night

Style Grade	Substance Grade	Image Transfer Grade	Audio Transfer Grade	Extras Grade
C+	C-	B	B-	D

 

DVD Review

Teenage Cavegirl, from the prolific B-movie maestro Fred Olen Ray (operating here under his Nicholas Medina alter ego), is really just a series of lengthy sex scenes interrupted by the loosest of loose plots. The story, about alleged cavegirl Tahra (Jezebelle Bond) leaping through a magical portal to land in modern-day Bronson Canyon, is simply an excuse to pile on assorted sexual couplings and encounters between attractive actors. Now, normally that's not something I would necessarily consider a negative, but in the case of Teenage Cavegirl I was struck by how this was constructed more like a a traditional porn title than like a B-movie.

Again, not necessarily a negative if you happen to be looking for porn, but with Teenage Cavegirl, the prolonged sexcapades are of the not-quite-explicit variety. The B-movie stuff, something that Fred Olen Ray normally can deliver with free-flowing exuberance, has been replaced by what seems to be a shift towards less storytelling and more sex. Yes, we can tell they are supposed to be having sex, and it sure looks like they are all joined together in orgiastic bliss, but in this particular not-quite-porn genre the acts don't feature any actual merging of naughty bits, and camera angles are such that actions are implied without being seen, so one is left watching what is essentially porn without all the detail.

There are glimmers of low-rent good stuff here, from Tahra's absorbing of television commercials to the wacky antics of Jay Richardson as an evil scientist out to use the title character for evil purposes, but these moments come across more as filler in between bouts of well-choreographed sex. As much as the purely prurient side of me enjoyed seeing Jezebelle Bond and Kennedy Johnston cavorting together in a bubble bath, the sex just seemed like it was plopped in so that Fred Olen Ray could check off yet another combination of sex partners on some imaginary checklist.

It seems that if you want actual porn, something like Teenage Cavegirl will be a disappointment. And it also seems that if you were looking for a sexy but campy B-movie from one of the great genre directors, you will also be in for a disappointment because the focus on long sex scenes featuring all combination of partners overshadows the ability for any kind of story to develop properly.

Rating for Style: C+
Rating for Substance: C-

 

Image Transfer

	One
Aspect Ratio	1.33:1 - Full Frame
Original Aspect Ratio	yes
Anamorphic	no

Image Transfer Review: The transfer from digital video is very bright and vivid for what is essentially a low-budget sex flick, with strong colors and evenly rendered fleshtones. Translation is that the frequent nudity looks darn good.

Image Transfer Grade: B
 

Audio Transfer

	Language	Remote Access
DS 2.0	English	no

Audio Transfer Review: There's nothing to go ga-ga about, but the clean 2.0 stereo track is presentable without being remarkably stellar. All of the dialogue, panting, and moaning sounds perfectly fine. But you're not watching this to give your sound system a workout, are you?

Audio Transfer Grade: B- 

Disc Extras

Static menu with music
Scene Access with 6 cues and remote access
Packaging: Amaray
Picture Disc
1 Disc
1-Sided disc(s)
Layers: single

Extra Extras:

1. Stills Gallery

Extras Review: The only extra is an automated Stills Gallery consisting of thirteen images, made up of production photos and behind-the-scenes shots.

The disc is cut into six chapters.

Extras Grade: D
 

Final Comments

Attractive nude women and nearly-explicit sex are the selling points here. As much as I love Fred Olen Ray, I can only see how this might serve to pass the time on late night pay-cable, not necessarily as something that someone might actually seek and out and purchase.

That's another story entirely.

Rich Rosell 2004-11-23